Are the complainers around you draining your energy and you don’t know what to do? This became the chosen question among the inquiries received in the “Question of the Month” section I started on Instagram. If you have complainers in your environment and feel that you’re losing your energy to them, continue reading to learn the formula for “What Should You Do About Complainers?”
Maybe you never thought, “What should I do about complainers?”
At some point in your life, you must have had people around you whom you would label as complainers. By nature, they may not be bad people, but complainers can be extremely annoying. Perhaps until now, you didn’t know how to interact with them, didn’t want to offend them, didn’t want to seem rude, or maybe you’re an empath who easily absorbs others’ emotions. Even though you know you’re being harmed, you might not have figured out how to protect yourself. So, let’s first try to understand complainers in 4 points. 👇
The Thought and Behavior Patterns of Complainers
- “By repeatedly experiencing negative emotions such as anger, sadness, and helplessness, neurotransmitters in the brain can strengthen negative thought patterns, creating new neural connections. A constant cycle of negative thoughts can even damage the hippocampus, the part of the brain used for problem-solving and cognitive functions. Over time, complainers become ‘negativity addicts’ captivated by the allure of drama that their complaining attitude brings.”
Source: Harvard - These individuals have no gray area in their thinking; they think in black or white. Instead of finding solutions, they are more likely to focus on problems, creating more situations that give them reasons to complain.
- Complainers transfer their negative and pessimistic thoughts—and the emotions that arise from them—to the people they interact with, causing harm.
“Some neuroscientists suggest that humans have what are called ‘mirror neurons’ in their brains, which are crucial for survival. As social beings, our brains unconsciously mimic the moods of those around us. There is another side to neuronal mirroring. People who complain about everything become contagious, and before we realize it, we too become complainers.”
Source: Harvard - “In most cases, chronic complaining begins in early life as a way to gain visibility and establish closeness within the family. These early experiences can become deeply ingrained behavioral patterns and a part of one’s identity, making it difficult to solve the problem as it would eliminate the reason for complaining and threaten their sense of self.”
Source: Harvard
Don’t Try to “Solve the Problem”
Complainers repeatedly bring up the same issue because they think others are not listening to them. This need continues until someone makes them feel understood. The complainer’s expectation is not for you to find a solution to their problems. Therefore, trying to “solve the problem” will lead to more complaints. The best thing you can do for both of you is to acknowledge them and validate their feelings.
Example Statement: “I can see that you’re really upset.”
We all complain from time to time; however, the key point here is whether the complaint is constructive and the type of complainer you are dealing with. Is the complaint aimed at creating a positive change and finding a solution, or is it just for the sake of complaining? Now, let’s look at the types of complainers.
Types of Complainers
Robin Kowalski, a psychology professor at Clemson University, categorizes complainers into three types:
- Occasional Complainers
These are mostly positive and optimistic friends who sometimes need to talk about a problem or share an experience. They likely need validation or suggestions on how to cope with a difficult situation. Therefore, not every conversation should be perceived as a “complaint.” Kowalski suggests that listening carefully and providing supportive feedback is beneficial for these individuals. - Angry Complainers
Imagine a usually cheerful coworker who starts experiencing some issues at home. For the first few weeks or months, you might listen carefully and try to be supportive. However, after a while, the same “I said/I said” complaint may start to sound like a broken record. According to Kowalski, if you notice that someone you know is stuck in this complaint cycle, you can try to help them break free from this pattern. - Chronic Complainers
These individuals are also referred to as “help-rejecting complainers,” and it’s important to understand that you cannot change them. Focus on minimizing contact with them and concentrate on your own coping mechanisms.
Source: Happify
How Should I Act to Not Be Affected by Complainers?
Set Clear Boundaries
- If the complaint is not constructive and does not contribute to a positive change, refuse to engage repeatedly.
- Set specific times when you’re available to talk (e.g., only before dinner).
- Limit the duration of conversations (e.g., no longer than 20 minutes).
- Restrict the topics they can complain about. For example, prevent them from complaining about their family by saying, “I think these issues should be handled within your own family.”
- Let them know you’re not available and can talk later. If the complainer is a coworker, you can show you’re not listening by putting on headphones or acting busy.
- Find a reason to leave the environment (e.g., check your phone, go to the bathroom, etc.).
Use Body Language Correctly
When confronted with a complaint, no matter how trivial it may seem, show that you’re listening and acknowledging them. Simple gestures like nodding can send the message, “I see you.” Do not attempt to offer solutions as this will only prolong the complaining.
Change Your Expressions
- Learn to Say No: Start incorporating “No” into your communication to avoid losing your energy to the complainer. Learning to say “No” is like developing a muscle; it becomes easier over time. For example, if a complaining coworker invites you to lunch, you should be able to say:
“No, I can’t because…” - Control Your Sentences: You can’t control the other person, but you can control how you frame your sentences. Instead of asking open-ended questions, use statements that don’t invite lengthy responses. Don’t let them make you the “partner in conversation.”
- Redirect: When the complainer starts bringing up the same topic again, steer the conversation in a different direction.
“I understand, but I’m not sure how to handle that… Where were we last?” - Be Direct: Let them know that you care but are negatively affected by continuously discussing the same topics. If the conversation shifts to a more positive direction, acknowledge it and thank them. (This rewards their positive behavior.)
Change the Subject:
“I don’t know how to deal with this… Anyway, ….”
You can divert the conversation by saying something like this.
What If the Complainer Is Your Closest Person?
In addition to the above points, you can protect your energy by doing the following:
- Listen to Your Body: When the conversation starts, focus on your own body. Not giving them your attention and staying composed will break the energy flow between you and allow you to assess how you feel.
- Use Your Breath: Focusing on your breathing helps you center yourself. As you follow your breath, internally affirm, “I am strong enough to handle this.”
- Create a Light Shield: Imagine a light shield surrounding you. The person is still talking, but their words are bouncing off the shield and dissipating into the atmosphere. Your energy is protected, and all negative energy stays outside.
- Tap Your Thymus Gland: To boost your energy flow and increase bodily awareness, gently tap your thymus gland located in the center of your chest.
(See: Thymus Gland Videos) - Self-Evaluation: The people you attract into your life based on your energy processing might be reflecting a part of yourself that you’re unwilling to see. Thinking about this and questioning yourself can increase your awareness.
Finally, someone getting angry with you doesn’t necessarily mean you did something wrong. It might just reflect that they’re unable to get what they want from you.
Wishing you balanced energies until the next article! 🌞🌝
